~~My name’s Dannikin and I’m your authorized U.S. Cyberguide.

~~You’ll keep off that website, please. Yeah, that’s probably not for you.

~~~You’re free to go there, if you choose. I wouldn’t advise it.

~~~~~Don’t try to adjust the volume. Even if you do, you can only turn me down, not off.

~~The name, “Dannikin”? Simple. I like Star Wars and my name’s really Daniel. I prefer Dannikin. Seems more science fiction-y.

~~~~~But why are we chatting, thus? Keep moving. You’ve got some things to learn. About our new environment.

~~Where am I watching from?

~~North of Denver.

~~Ever since the Incident, we have all redoubled our commitment to safety.

~~~And by “All” we mean all, including you.

~~We’re here to help you find your way around the Internet. I’m here to show you how to do it, safely.

~~~Isn’t it time you posted something on one of the personal branding sites that is self-revelatory but ultimately optimistic?

~~~Trivial yet positively meaningful? Hadn’t you better?

~Oh, look:

~~Here’s an Internet poll.

~~~Go ahead.

~~~~Please, go ahead.

~~~~~Did you know that by not participating in that poll, you are countenancing the most tawdry of conceivable noncompliances?

~~Non-compliance with certain settled norms?

~~~Ringing any bells, here?

~~~~Do you reckon how awful that’ll be if it gets out?

~~That’s right.

~~We’re at war now.

~~~We’re on wartime footing, now.

~~~~We’re all getting in line. Against the non-compliant.

~~~~~I’m sure you agree.

~I see you agree.

~Thank you for your input.

~~Stay smart. Don’t ask.

~~~Websites lead to danger.

~~~Websites are an inroad.

~~~~~Websites are gateways to dangerous thoughts.

~~Disturbing thoughts.

~Stay away. Besides.

~~~~~We will know you’ve been there.

~~~Turn it off, now.