FROM YOUR NEW FRIENDS AT BMAIL

to: our new friend
from: newfriends@bmail.com
0823 Thursday (5 hours ago)

Dear Friend,

Your New Friends at Bmail hope you’ll do us a favor.

Because, you know, you visit a lot of websites, you do. And we’re just guessing, from a cursory glance at your browser history, that you own a number of firearms. And probably look at a lot of dirty pictures! An unusual amount for a man your age! We’re guessing, here at the BMail Annex, that there’s no need for blackmarket Viagra, here! Hoho!

And that’s where the favor we’re asking comes in. Actually, not really asking. “Strongly suggesting” might be a better way to phrase it.

Considering that we here at the Annex have a record of every single email you’ve sent across to, well, You-Know-Who. Every danged dangled dangling participle and purple prurient passage, You with Your Long, Lavish Love of Alliterative Logorrheic Explosions. And your love of… well, You-Know-Who.

Well, let’s leave that off to the side for now and consider what a lovely marriage you have, anyway. And what a lovely relationship with…

You… Know… Who!

Anyway, our risk-analysis folks argue that you value your marriage so highly that you might be willing to take care of something for us, something that you can do to ensure your marital bliss. Because that unique happiness is foremost in our minds as well.

Conveniently enough, the time-saving, self-organizing and self-linking Bmail AutoKarte Map System and the Bmail AutoKalends Scheduler have alerted us to the exact itinerary of a certain Dr Wellman Bitterneck, tomorrow. He happens to be traveling through your area and we will need you “To erase his hard drive,” if you follow. You might utilize one of those firearms you probably own. Otherwise…

… all those love-struck, starry missives from you, my Friend, will find a new, less-welcoming in-box. A veritable “vagina dentata” of a mailbox, at your address, if you follow.

You’ll find Dr Bitterneck’s route and timings in the attachment.
Sincerely,

Your New Friends at Bmail
ATTACHED: WBSchedule.docx 254K

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